Secnarf on Senate Reform

This week I was again able to catch up with Secnarf, last remaining member of the Rhinoceros Party of Canada and candidate for Prime Minister in the October Federal election.  Here is a transcript of the interview:

Francie: Secnarf, what is your policy regarding 

Senate reform?

Secnarf: Well Francie, as you know I've always 

been in favour of an all female elected Senate.  I 

would call it 'The Hall of the Matriarchs'.

Francie: So the lower chamber would be for men 

exclusively?

Secnarf:   It would be for anyone who believes the 

good behaviour of an elected member of the nation's 

parliament includes burping, farting, scratching 

themselves, dragging their knuckles  across the

floor, posturing aggressively and hurling loutish 

insults at other members without listening to a word 

anyone else has to say.

Francie:  I see. And upon what would you base this?

Secnarf:  It was the Iroquois way.

Francie: But the Iroquois matriarchs were able to 

control the warriors by withholding food.

Secnarf: Exactly. That is why the Hall of the 

Matriarchs would have the keys to the House of 

Commons.  Nobody would get to the cafeteria or the 

bathroom until some work was done.

Francie:  Two votes for every woman, an elected all 

female Senate, a House of Commons starved into 

submission.  I like it.

Secnarf:  It is the wave of the future!

Remember folks, 

VOTE SECNARF

It is a vote for a politician who looks

like a Cabinet Minister nobody

remembers anymore! And that's a

good thing.

Secnarf Wants Your Vote

Word reached me yesterday that Secnarf, last remaining member of the Rhinoceros Party of Canada, has declared her candidacy for Prime Minister in the October Federal election.  I managed to reach her last night.



Francie:  Secnarf! How's that thing with the electronic ankle bracelet going?

Secnarf: A complete misunderstanding.  I have never stalked Justin Trudeau.

Francie:  He found you in his bedroom closet.

Secnarf:  Lies.  All lies.

Francie:  You were singing, 'Oh Canada' in French.

Secnarf:  Absolute fuddle duddle! 

Francie:  Well okay then, Secnarf, let's talk about your policies.

Secnarf: As usual I'm campaigning on the 'two votes for every woman' platform.  

My campaign manager Isabella King and I believe it is the only way to bring peace and stability to the country.

Francie: Isabella King is your campaign manager?

Hasn't Mckenzie King's mother been dead since 1917?

Secnarf:  Hey! She got us through World War II!

And when I'm elected Prime Minister I plan to put her in charge oh the cabinet.

Francie: So Canada's cabinet meetings will be seances?

Secnarf: Great Idea, eh?  They'll be way more fun than the ones they have now.  

Anyway I have to go. Pat and I are meeting to discuss the environment.

Francie:   Please don't tell me you mean 'Pat' Mckenzie King's dog...

Secnarf:   Gotta run! Bye! And don't forget:  

A VOTE FOR SECNARF IS A VOTE FOR THE ONLY POLITICIAN WHO LOOKS LIKE A CABINET MINISTER THAT NOBODY REMEMBERS ANYMORE EXCEPT THAT SHE DRANK EXPENSIVE ORANGE JUICE
AND CHARGED THE TAXPAYER.

Secnarf: No Sex Please, We're Canadian Politicians

Secnarf - the only politician who looks like a disgraced former Federal Conservative cabinet minister issued a press release today stating that she is running in the Ontario Provincial election.  I caught up with her in Port Weller this afternoon.

Francie: So Secnarf, this is interesting news.  Let's get right down to business.  What's your platform?

Secnarf: As always I stand for electoral reform, Francie.

Francie: eek.

Secnarf:  Politics should be a calling. 

Francie:  A calling? Like to the priesthood? Are you suggesting celibacy? 

Secnarf:  Absolutely.  

Francie:  That will be popular. Maybe not with politicians but definitely for the rest of us. I haven't slept well since Rob Ford went home to eat. Can we check back next week to see how your campaign is going?

Secnarf: Yes and remember:

Vote for Secnarf, 

the only politician 

who looks like a 

former cabinet 

minister!

Secnarf Sends News

 

I haven't seen hide nor hair of Secnarf

since Justin Trudeau was elected leader of the Liberal Party. 

 

Yesterday she sent a short e-mail saying she's working on a

Rhinoceros - Liberal Coalition. 

 

(She says it's the only way to defeat the Conservatives

and considering that Secnarf runs on the "two votes for every

woman"  platform - she may be right.)

 

Anyway she sent this photo of the Parliament buildings just

before the Victoria Day fireworks.

 

 

 

 

In case you have never been to Ottawa that is the Senate on the

right and the House of Commons on the left.

 

And speaking of politics what a few weeks it has been in

the national collective we call Canada!

 



 

First we watched the pollsters out west  explode when the B.C.

Liberals obliterated the provincial NDP. 

Surprise!

Then Toronto's mayor Rob Ford was (allegedly) caught doing

cocaine! 

 

Really lit up the sky here in south Ontari-ari-ari-oh! 

 

(And lit up TV stations around the world, too.!)

And in Quebec the PQ launched its own firestorm with

a full page ad in the Montreal Gazette explaining why the rights

of Anglophones in the province aren't important.

 

Sacré bleu!

 

And saving the best for last, we ordinary Canadians

watched the implosion of the  former journalistic super nova

called   Senator Mike Duffy. 


The scoundrel!

 

 

Yes, indeedy, my friends, we had an explosive Victoria Day

long week-end this year and Secnarf, as usual was on the job.

I'd e-mail her for more info but she was on her way

to a Rhino party meeting in Gander, Newfoundland.


Hope she took her shovel, they just got 51 cm of snow!

 

Secnarf Speaks from the Great Beyond

 

 

 

Francie:  Secnarf!  Is it really you?

Secnarf: Sort of.  I'm on the other side now.

Francie: Eek.  You mean you joined the Tories??

Secnarf: Hardly.  Everybody here is a Dipper. 

And it happened long before Jack Layton arrived.

Francie: Jack Layton!  You mean you are ...?

Secnarf: Just tell my fans that I'm at that big Rhinoceros Party of Canada Political Convention in the Great Beyond.

Francie:  Gosh, Secnarf, how did it happen? 

Last we heard you were in Ottawa having secret meetings with Justin Trudeau.

If I remember correctly you were thinking of running for the leadership of the Liberal Party.

Secnarf (sighs):  Yes I was going to call the new party the Progressive Resolute Erudite Persons Occupying Safe Territory Party.

When I combined it with the Rhinoceros Party it would have become the P.R.E.P.O.S.T.EROS PARTY of Canada.

It looked like I was on my way to the top.

But then Bev Oda pushed me into the Rideau Canal.

Francie: That's terrible.

Secnarf: I know. I never got to finish my orange juice.

Francie:  Well I'm sorry to get such terrible news.

Orange juice is just so expensive.

Secnarf:  And so political!

Oh, well I'm off to Quebec.

The provincial election is next week and I'm planning to present the new Rhinoceros Party of Canada platform.

 

We promise to solve the language issue by making everyone speak and write in Cree.

 

We also promise to solve the $16 per glass of orange juice for travelling Canadian politicians problem by annexing the state of Florida and making it our 11th province. 

 

Francie:  Well I'm not sure the Americans won't notice that Florida is missing but it's worth a try I guess.

 

But anyway, Secnarf, I thought you said you were... well, dead.

 

Secnarf:  Hey, I've been in Toronto all week.

 

. 

 

Remember folks:

 

Vote Secnarf

the only politician who looks like a former Cabinet Minister.

Happy B-day, Canada

Canada Day Fireworks (Photo credit: Bruce Guenter)

Well Happy Canada Day all you Canuckians out there.

(I refuse to use the term 'Canuckleheads'.  I do have a few standards.)

And everyone else, well, it's our b-day this week-end.

We're 145, if I am not mistaken.

And we look pretty darn good for 145, I think.

So I'm going to be out and about celebrating with everyone else.

Remember I told you I had standards?

Just kidding. 

I bought a headband with flashing maple leaf bobbles to wear all week-end.

Flynn the dog is totally embarrassed and refuses to be seen with me.

Like people don't know she was born in Bancroft, Ontario, eh?

Secnarf is in Ottawa.

The Liberals are putting pressure on her to enter the leadership race and for

some reason she JUST had to talk to Justin Trudeau about it.

Butterbrains and Smarty Pants pestered me until I drew them a car

and a canoe and they've gone up to Algonquin Park.

So my dear friends I'm going to be taking a break of sorts too.

I have some other projects I want to work on,

and I've also decided to increase my volunteer hours in the community.  

I'll still be blogging at a North End Journal, just not as often.

 

Now I have to figure out where Flynn hid the batteries

so I can get my maple leafs flashing...

Happy Canada Day, Everybody!

Laura's Bridge - Secnarf Speaks

English: Laura Secord warning Lieutenant James Fitzgibbon of an impending American attack, June 1813. Français : Rencontre entre Laura Secord et le lieutenant Fitzgibbon, juin 1813 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Part 2 - The Present

June 22 will be the 199th anniversary of Laura Secord's walk.

The big celebration is next year.

By 'big' celebration I mean big in an understated Canadian kind of way, i.e., there will be a commemorative walk.

But nobody can figure out how we are going to cross Twelve Mile Creek.

That's when I knew I had to find Secnarf.

Francie: Thanks for seeing me, Secnarf.  I know you don't usually dabble in municipal politics but we've got a serious problem.

Secnarf: The Rhinoceros Party is interested in serious problems at the local level.

Francie: Well good, because I'm afraid to say the move is afoot to build a bridge over the Twelve Mile Creek so the hikers commemorating Laura Secord's walk can cross safely.

Secnarf: Ridiculous! Laura Secord shinnied across the creek on a fallen log.

In the dark.

Without shoes.

Hungry.

And she had her period!

Francie: Laura Secord had her period?

Secnarf: It's Secnarf's Law.  Anytime a woman has to go somewhere where it would be totally inconvenient she gets her period.

Francie: Holy cow!

Secnarf: Yes, cow is the key word when we speak of Laura Secord. The people of Niagara don't need a permanent bridge.

Too expensive.  If you elect me

Secnarf,

the only politician who looks

like a cabinet minister,

The Rhinoceros Party of Canada promises to bring a herd of cows down to the creek and you ladies can swim across on their backs.

Totally Laura Secord.

And we'll throw in a box of those Laura Secord Chocolate Miniatures to anybody who makes it across alive.  

 Francie: Wow! Thanks, Secnarf!

Secnarf: No problem:  Don't forget -

Vote Secnarf,

the last remaining member

of the Rhinoceros Party of Canada

and the only politician who looks

like a cabinet minister.

***

Francie: When are you going to update your picture?

Secnarf:  When Bev Oda quits smoking.  Now get lost, will ya.  I gotta rent some cows.

Secnarf Crosses the Floor

This is the third in my series of interviews with Secnarf the independent Rhino candidate from North Pelham. Secnarf's campaign promises include giving women two votes, taking the calories out of chocolate cake, moving the head office of Bell Canada to North Pelham and identifying Rural Canada as 'a Nation within a Nation' in the constitution.




Francie: Well tomorrow is election day.

Do you feel that you ran a successful campaign, Secnarf?


Secnarf: I didn't get enough media coverage.

Not one journalist found out that I went skinny dipping in Vancouver in 1975!


Francie: Scandalous.


Secnarf: I agree, journalists aren't what they used to be.


Francie: I meant your behaviour.


Secnarf: Well I try, but Jack Layton is getting all the attention this week.


Francie: Are you suggesting that Jack Layton and the NDP Party leaked the massage parlour story to keep you out of the headlines?


Secnarf: There is no other possible explanation.


After all, which one of us would the Canadian people prefer to picture naked?



Francie: I am choosing to take that as a rhetorical question.


So Let's talk about your policies.

So far you have weighed in on women's rights, big business, agriculture and the constitution.

What about the climate and the environment?


Secnarf: I pirated the Green Vision.


Francie: You stole the Green Party's platform?


Secnarf: That's what pirates do when they like something.


Francie: Wait, you aren't saying ...


Secnarf: Yes I'm crossing the floor.


Francie: What floor?

You don't have a riding, never mind a seat in the House of Commons.


Secnarf: It's a figure of speech.

I'm joining the Pirate Party of Canada and I'm taking my many supporters with me.


Francie: Have you talked to all three of them about this?


Secnarf: Pirates don't ask, they tell.


Francie: Well this is a surprise.

Any last minute messages for the Canadian people on the eve of the election, Secnarf?


Secnarf: Aye.

Vote, ye scurvey dogs! Vote!

Or ye'll be feeling t' weight o' me sword across yer sorry backsides.

***

SECNARF

THE ONLY CANDIDATE WHO LOOKS LIKE A

CABINET MINISTER

and talks like a pirate.

Secnarf - The Debate and The Constitution

This is the second in my series of interviews with Secnarf the independent Rhino candidate from North Pelham. Secnarf's campaign promises include giving women two votes, taking the calories out of chocolate cake and moving the head office of Bell Canada to North Pelham.



Francie: What do you think about the fact that not all of the Party leaders will be allowed to take part in the televised debate?



Secnarf: I agree with the decision.

It is called a "Broadcast".

Elizabeth May and I are the only broads.

Therefore, although I sympathize with the other parties, the bottom line is that either you have a vagina or you don't.



Francie: You are saying that only you and Elizabeth May should be allowed to debate?



Secnarf: That's right.



Francie: Elizabeth May is the leader of a national party.

You are a candidate for a party that doesn't exist anymore.

You don't even have a riding.



Secnarf: Hogswaddle.



Francie: That's your riding?



Secnarf: That's my response to your nitpicking.



Francie: Fine. Then let's talk about your policies.

What are your thoughts on the idea that the constitution should identify one part of Canada as a 'Nation within a Nation'?



Secnarf: I believe that identifying Rural Canada as a 'nation within a nation' is the right move.

The culture and language of Rural Canadians from coast to coast to coast must be protected from the insidious encroachment of the evil city dwellers in Toronto and Montreal.

If elected I promise to see that the constitution is amended accordingly.



Francie: Which culture and language would that be?



Secnarf: Sorry you've had your five questions for today.



Francie: Hey that was only four!



Secnarf: And don't forget to take a lawn sign on your way out.

*

Vote Secnarf

The only candidate who looks like a cabinet minister

*

 

Related articles

• Elizabeth May takes her quest to join the leaders’ debates to court (theglobeandmail.com)
• Most Canadians want Elizabeth May at leaders' debate, poll shows (theglobeandmail.com)

Secnarf - The Only Candidate Who Looks Like a Cabinet Minister






A while back, Secnarf the Independent Rhino candidate from North Pelham took over my face book wall during the controversy over the opening of the DSBN Academy in Niagara. I thought I would check in with her again because of the upcoming Federal election. This is a transcript of our interview.


Francie: Let's start with your political affiliation. You do know that the Rhinoceros Party of Canada is defunct?



Secnarf: It exists in the hearts of all true Canadians.



Francie: Those old enough to remember it I suppose.

Ayway, there is a rumour going around North Pelham that you bought a cigarette from Betty McGlashan for a looney so that you could look tough like Minister of International Cooperation, Bev Oda.



Secnarf: It is a lie. I offered her a looney but she gave it to me for free.



Francie: Okay. Let's talk about your policy.

You have said that if elected you will allow women to vote twice to make up for the years when they weren't allowed to vote at all and you have promised to take all of the calories out of chocolate cake.

Do you have anything else to add to your platform as we move into the next Federal election?



Secnarf: Yes, if I am elected I promise that I will move the head office of Bell Canada to North Pelham so that the CEO and other top Bell Canada executives can enjoy the same dial up Internet service that we rural Canadians enjoy now.



Francie: Why are you dressed like a pirate?



Secnarf: I'm not dressed like a pirate.



Francie: Not only are you dressed like a pirate, your t-shirt says, "Pirate Party of Canada."



Secnarf: (holds up a mirror) Jeesh. This happens whenever I talk about Bell Canada.



Francie: Well I have to run. Thanks for your time, Secnarf.

We'll be in touch throughout the election.

Any last words for today?



Secnarf: Yes. Can I have my pirate hat back?

Vote Secnarf

The only candidate who looks like a cabinet minister