Laura's Bridge - Secnarf Speaks

English: Laura Secord warning Lieutenant James Fitzgibbon of an impending American attack, June 1813. Français : Rencontre entre Laura Secord et le lieutenant Fitzgibbon, juin 1813 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Part 2 - The Present

June 22 will be the 199th anniversary of Laura Secord's walk.

The big celebration is next year.

By 'big' celebration I mean big in an understated Canadian kind of way, i.e., there will be a commemorative walk.

But nobody can figure out how we are going to cross Twelve Mile Creek.

That's when I knew I had to find Secnarf.

Francie: Thanks for seeing me, Secnarf.  I know you don't usually dabble in municipal politics but we've got a serious problem.

Secnarf: The Rhinoceros Party is interested in serious problems at the local level.

Francie: Well good, because I'm afraid to say the move is afoot to build a bridge over the Twelve Mile Creek so the hikers commemorating Laura Secord's walk can cross safely.

Secnarf: Ridiculous! Laura Secord shinnied across the creek on a fallen log.

In the dark.

Without shoes.

Hungry.

And she had her period!

Francie: Laura Secord had her period?

Secnarf: It's Secnarf's Law.  Anytime a woman has to go somewhere where it would be totally inconvenient she gets her period.

Francie: Holy cow!

Secnarf: Yes, cow is the key word when we speak of Laura Secord. The people of Niagara don't need a permanent bridge.

Too expensive.  If you elect me

Secnarf,

the only politician who looks

like a cabinet minister,

The Rhinoceros Party of Canada promises to bring a herd of cows down to the creek and you ladies can swim across on their backs.

Totally Laura Secord.

And we'll throw in a box of those Laura Secord Chocolate Miniatures to anybody who makes it across alive.  

 Francie: Wow! Thanks, Secnarf!

Secnarf: No problem:  Don't forget -

Vote Secnarf,

the last remaining member

of the Rhinoceros Party of Canada

and the only politician who looks

like a cabinet minister.

***

Francie: When are you going to update your picture?

Secnarf:  When Bev Oda quits smoking.  Now get lost, will ya.  I gotta rent some cows.

Laura's Bridge

Laura Secord statue, Valiants Memorial, Ottawa (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Part 1 The Past

Laura Secord's husband James was wounded at the battle of Queenston Heights in 1812.

When he didn't turn up after the fighting was over she went to the battlefield and, as we say now - dragged his sorry ass home. 

He was still recovering in May of 1813 when the Americans pushed the British forces, their Indian allies and the Canadian militia to Stoney Creek, (near Hamilton) after the Battle of Fort George.

The Yankee scoundrels then proceeded to occupy Niagara!

In late June the Secords overhead several American officers talking about an upcoming attack.

James Secord had taken a musket ball to the knee at Queenston Heights and still couldn't walk.

 They decided that Laura would have to get the message to the British commander, Lieutenant James Fitzgibbon who was camped at Beaverdams, (near present day Thorold).

Early the next morning, June 22, 1813, Laura kissed her young children, (and probably her own ass), good-bye, pulled on a brown dress with an orange flower print and headed out. 

She stayed off the main roads.

She knew that if the Americans caught her out after curfew she would be shot.

She passed through 30 km filled with wolves, rattlesnakes, disgruntled beavers and a variety of other interesting critters.

Somehow,  she crossed Twelve Mile Creek which, although it isn't the mighty St. Lawrence River, isn't exactly a babbling brook either .

Eventually, tired, dirty and shoeless, she stumbled into an Indian camp.

She spoke enough Iroquois to make herself understood and the surprised warriors led her to Lieutenant Fitzgibbon.

Thanks to her, Fitzgibbon and his men were ready when the attack came.

 The Americans retreated to their side of the Niagara River.

But they didn't take it well.

In retaliation they spent the next 200 years building really cool shopping malls all along the border.

 Next: Part 2 The Present

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