Secnarf on Senate Reform

This week I was again able to catch up with Secnarf, last remaining member of the Rhinoceros Party of Canada and candidate for Prime Minister in the October Federal election.  Here is a transcript of the interview:

Francie: Secnarf, what is your policy regarding 

Senate reform?

Secnarf: Well Francie, as you know I've always 

been in favour of an all female elected Senate.  I 

would call it 'The Hall of the Matriarchs'.

Francie: So the lower chamber would be for men 

exclusively?

Secnarf:   It would be for anyone who believes the 

good behaviour of an elected member of the nation's 

parliament includes burping, farting, scratching 

themselves, dragging their knuckles  across the

floor, posturing aggressively and hurling loutish 

insults at other members without listening to a word 

anyone else has to say.

Francie:  I see. And upon what would you base this?

Secnarf:  It was the Iroquois way.

Francie: But the Iroquois matriarchs were able to 

control the warriors by withholding food.

Secnarf: Exactly. That is why the Hall of the 

Matriarchs would have the keys to the House of 

Commons.  Nobody would get to the cafeteria or the 

bathroom until some work was done.

Francie:  Two votes for every woman, an elected all 

female Senate, a House of Commons starved into 

submission.  I like it.

Secnarf:  It is the wave of the future!

Remember folks, 

VOTE SECNARF

It is a vote for a politician who looks

like a Cabinet Minister nobody

remembers anymore! And that's a

good thing.

Secnarf Wants Your Vote

Word reached me yesterday that Secnarf, last remaining member of the Rhinoceros Party of Canada, has declared her candidacy for Prime Minister in the October Federal election.  I managed to reach her last night.



Francie:  Secnarf! How's that thing with the electronic ankle bracelet going?

Secnarf: A complete misunderstanding.  I have never stalked Justin Trudeau.

Francie:  He found you in his bedroom closet.

Secnarf:  Lies.  All lies.

Francie:  You were singing, 'Oh Canada' in French.

Secnarf:  Absolute fuddle duddle! 

Francie:  Well okay then, Secnarf, let's talk about your policies.

Secnarf: As usual I'm campaigning on the 'two votes for every woman' platform.  

My campaign manager Isabella King and I believe it is the only way to bring peace and stability to the country.

Francie: Isabella King is your campaign manager?

Hasn't Mckenzie King's mother been dead since 1917?

Secnarf:  Hey! She got us through World War II!

And when I'm elected Prime Minister I plan to put her in charge oh the cabinet.

Francie: So Canada's cabinet meetings will be seances?

Secnarf: Great Idea, eh?  They'll be way more fun than the ones they have now.  

Anyway I have to go. Pat and I are meeting to discuss the environment.

Francie:   Please don't tell me you mean 'Pat' Mckenzie King's dog...

Secnarf:   Gotta run! Bye! And don't forget:  

A VOTE FOR SECNARF IS A VOTE FOR THE ONLY POLITICIAN WHO LOOKS LIKE A CABINET MINISTER THAT NOBODY REMEMBERS ANYMORE EXCEPT THAT SHE DRANK EXPENSIVE ORANGE JUICE
AND CHARGED THE TAXPAYER.

Secnarf: No Sex Please, We're Canadian Politicians

Secnarf - the only politician who looks like a disgraced former Federal Conservative cabinet minister issued a press release today stating that she is running in the Ontario Provincial election.  I caught up with her in Port Weller this afternoon.

Francie: So Secnarf, this is interesting news.  Let's get right down to business.  What's your platform?

Secnarf: As always I stand for electoral reform, Francie.

Francie: eek.

Secnarf:  Politics should be a calling. 

Francie:  A calling? Like to the priesthood? Are you suggesting celibacy? 

Secnarf:  Absolutely.  

Francie:  That will be popular. Maybe not with politicians but definitely for the rest of us. I haven't slept well since Rob Ford went home to eat. Can we check back next week to see how your campaign is going?

Secnarf: Yes and remember:

Vote for Secnarf, 

the only politician 

who looks like a 

former cabinet 

minister!

Parking Lot Rage

As I nosed the spy car into a parking spot at the grocery

store yesterday I noticed that the man parked in the

adjoined space ahead of me was getting into his car.

 

"Oh good," I thought, "I'll be able to pull ahead! 

No worries about backing up and squashing somebody

when I leave."

 

Our cars were sitting bumper to bumper so I kept

my hands on the steering wheel and peered at him

intently.

 

He yawned, leaned an arm out the window and gazed

blankly off to the side, avoiding my gaze.

 

"Oh rats," I thought, "He's waiting for somebody,

probably his wife is in the store getting her groceries." 

 

I sighed in resignation thinking of all the flattened

bodies I'd be leaving in my wake when I left and

I turned the spy car off. 

 

The minute I shut my car down he smiled and

backed out.

So I shot his back wheels out.

The female police officer who arrived shortly after

complimented me on my restraint and gave him a

ticket for being a public nuisance.

 

:D

 

 

 

 

 

Secnarf Sends News

 

I haven't seen hide nor hair of Secnarf

since Justin Trudeau was elected leader of the Liberal Party. 

 

Yesterday she sent a short e-mail saying she's working on a

Rhinoceros - Liberal Coalition. 

 

(She says it's the only way to defeat the Conservatives

and considering that Secnarf runs on the "two votes for every

woman"  platform - she may be right.)

 

Anyway she sent this photo of the Parliament buildings just

before the Victoria Day fireworks.

 

 

 

 

In case you have never been to Ottawa that is the Senate on the

right and the House of Commons on the left.

 

And speaking of politics what a few weeks it has been in

the national collective we call Canada!

 



 

First we watched the pollsters out west  explode when the B.C.

Liberals obliterated the provincial NDP. 

Surprise!

Then Toronto's mayor Rob Ford was (allegedly) caught doing

cocaine! 

 

Really lit up the sky here in south Ontari-ari-ari-oh! 

 

(And lit up TV stations around the world, too.!)

And in Quebec the PQ launched its own firestorm with

a full page ad in the Montreal Gazette explaining why the rights

of Anglophones in the province aren't important.

 

Sacré bleu!

 

And saving the best for last, we ordinary Canadians

watched the implosion of the  former journalistic super nova

called   Senator Mike Duffy. 


The scoundrel!

 

 

Yes, indeedy, my friends, we had an explosive Victoria Day

long week-end this year and Secnarf, as usual was on the job.

I'd e-mail her for more info but she was on her way

to a Rhino party meeting in Gander, Newfoundland.


Hope she took her shovel, they just got 51 cm of snow!

 

What a Nightmare!

Dentist on the Job (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Two big horror shows on TV this week.

Skipping quickly over the nightmare game

between the Leafs and the Bruins yesterday,

Sunday's final episode of "Survivor"

was right up there with the "Exorcist" in

my opinion.

Holy ker-schmoley, when Dawn took her

teeth out I thought I wouldn't sleep for a

week!

 

But it did get me thinking about my own

choppers.

 

When I was a kid my dentist's name

was Doctor Coffin and he lived in a

haunted house. 

 He used to keep my whole family

spell bound with stories about how

he and his wife found their good

silverware spread out neatly across

their attic floor every morning.

I have no idea why he went to his attic

every morning or even why we all piled

in the car and visited him.

We didn't have good silverware nor

even an attic where any self-respecting

ghost would want to hang out.

He must have been a better conversationalist

than he was dentist.

 

And no friends in his own social class.

 

Anyway.

 

My next dentist was "Painless Pearson".

 

I liked him because he really was painless!

 

Incompetent, but painless.

"Oops!" he said one day during a root canal.

 

He rattled around in my mouth a bit longer.

My blood pressure went up when I saw

his assistant's eyes widened in alarm.

"But look - I've patched it up!" he said

waving a hand mirror in front of my face.

 

"Fanks,"  I said all drooley as I studied

the hollow tooth standing bare naked in

the middle of the rubber dam in my

mouth.

 

"Di int hurd a bid."

 

Jeesh.

 

It hurt my wallet.

And I didn't get any free mint flavoured

waxed dental floss either!

What a nightmare!

Maybe I should have written about the Leafs after all ...

Eatin' High on the Hog

Cover of Canadian Bacon

What the heck is Canadian bacon?


I've wondered about it for years.

Americans talk about our bacon as if it drops on

the tundra like frozen manna.

I finally asked Travis Erwin of  Bacon, Beer & Books. 

He's from Texas and posted a pretty funny blog about

Canadian food yesterday which you can read here.

This is how he described Canadian bacon to me:

What is called Canadian Bacon here is not like our regular

bacon:

It's sort of like ham and some pizza places just substitute

ham but what I call real Canadian bacon is different.

It has the look of ham but is thin sliced or shredded and is

best when crispy on the edges with just enough saltiness to

bring out the fine pork flavor.
 

The light dawned. 


I think.

But what say you, my fellow Canuckians?

Are we talking something exotic, delicious and totally

unavailable in Canada or are we talking ...

 

Oh YUCKERS ...

 

humble peameal bacon??

 

Rain 'Drops'

 

From bitter cold and snow storms to rain and flooding in one week.

 

Nothing like Ontario in the winter.

 

 

I don't care, but Flynn is hydrophobic. Hates water.

 

 

Last night she wouldn't go out to do her business and held it all night.

 

 

I took drastic action this morning.

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

But the mission was accomplished!

A 48 pounder as my Dad would have said.


Whew.



***

If Only I Could Sing As Well As I Can Dance

 

 

Here's the picture I'm working on at the mo.

It's called, "If only I could sing as well as I can dance"

which is quite funny because in real life I can do neither.
 

I was trying to express how the wave structure of

matter and standing wave interactions,  

explains the quantum energy states of matter and light 'quanta'

just the way Albert Einstein said in 1905.

 

Oh wait. 

 

Maybe I was wondering if I should bother going to the gym today

because it's raining.

 

Anyway.

 

It isn't finished yet but I like all of the chaos and movement

around the dancer and her skirt.

 

It explains the quantum energy states of matter quite clearly, I think.

 

Or maybe my subconscious is telling me that I need more exercise.
 

Sigh

 

It's so hard to understand art.

 

Phone Smarts

IPhone First Generation 8GB (3680455198) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I survived the switch in internet providers.

But I must tell you that when the Bell service man asked if I had a smart phone I wasn't exactly sure what he meant.

I mean I know an iphone is a smart phone but I wasn't totally sure if other phones fell into the smart category or even if 'smart phone' was a brand name.

And I didn't want him to know that I didn't know.

So I just told him that I didn't have an iphone. 

"I just have a cheap phone ... from Bell,"  I added quickly lest he confuse me with the blogger who uses my name and always complains about his employer.

"So you don't have an iphone?"

"No I don't have an iphone." 

I relaxed.  We were communicating quite well I thought.

Then he looked at me the way a person who is paid to be polite looks at the imbecile to whom he is forced to explain the theory of relativity and said,

"But  you do have a smart phone."

It was a question although his voice didn't go up.

Jeesh. 

We were back to square one.

 "Welll,"  I said studying his face for a clue that might lead to the right answer,

 "It's definitely smarter than I am."

 No argument from him, my friends.

 Anyway, I survived, the Bell service man survived, my computer survived and even my phone survived.

But my image of myself as a baby boomer techno wizard sure took a beating.

 

 

I Love You, Ma Bell!

Julian Assange, from Wikileaks, at the SKUP conference for investigative journalism, Norway, March 2010 (see http://www.skup.no/Info_in_Englishhttp://www.skup.no/Konferansen_2010/Programmet) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My chickens are coming home to roost.

Or my words are. 

Is there really a difference

between chickens and words when all is said and done?

I mean what's it all going to matter in a hundred years, eh?

 

Anyway, that's the way I'm hoping Bell Canada is going to see it this week.

I'm switching my internet provider over from Bell Mobility to Bell.ca

tomorrow. 

Cheaper rates and I won't have to deal with Mr.

Slowasmolassesanddumbasadoorknob at the Bell Mobility

torture chamber store anymore.

The problem is that I bad mouthed Bell in several a blog.

And I'm worried that just the way the US waited grimly for Wikileaks

front man Julian Assange to make the teensy weensy mistake of not

wearing a condom one night in a Swedish hotel room, Ma Bell who

knows all and sees all, has been roiling and seething, waiting for me

to try to sneak on board.

Just kidding Ma!!!!

Didn't mean it, Ma!!!!

Anyway,  I'm hoping to be back online Wednesday.

Maybe.

If the river don't rise.

And Ma's in a forgiving mood.