Ottawa, We Have a Problem

Secnarf Crosses the Floor

This is the third in my series of interviews with Secnarf the independent Rhino candidate from North Pelham. Secnarf's campaign promises include giving women two votes, taking the calories out of chocolate cake, moving the head office of Bell Canada to North Pelham and identifying Rural Canada as 'a Nation within a Nation' in the constitution.




Francie: Well tomorrow is election day.

Do you feel that you ran a successful campaign, Secnarf?


Secnarf: I didn't get enough media coverage.

Not one journalist found out that I went skinny dipping in Vancouver in 1975!


Francie: Scandalous.


Secnarf: I agree, journalists aren't what they used to be.


Francie: I meant your behaviour.


Secnarf: Well I try, but Jack Layton is getting all the attention this week.


Francie: Are you suggesting that Jack Layton and the NDP Party leaked the massage parlour story to keep you out of the headlines?


Secnarf: There is no other possible explanation.


After all, which one of us would the Canadian people prefer to picture naked?



Francie: I am choosing to take that as a rhetorical question.


So Let's talk about your policies.

So far you have weighed in on women's rights, big business, agriculture and the constitution.

What about the climate and the environment?


Secnarf: I pirated the Green Vision.


Francie: You stole the Green Party's platform?


Secnarf: That's what pirates do when they like something.


Francie: Wait, you aren't saying ...


Secnarf: Yes I'm crossing the floor.


Francie: What floor?

You don't have a riding, never mind a seat in the House of Commons.


Secnarf: It's a figure of speech.

I'm joining the Pirate Party of Canada and I'm taking my many supporters with me.


Francie: Have you talked to all three of them about this?


Secnarf: Pirates don't ask, they tell.


Francie: Well this is a surprise.

Any last minute messages for the Canadian people on the eve of the election, Secnarf?


Secnarf: Aye.

Vote, ye scurvey dogs! Vote!

Or ye'll be feeling t' weight o' me sword across yer sorry backsides.

***

SECNARF

THE ONLY CANDIDATE WHO LOOKS LIKE A

CABINET MINISTER

and talks like a pirate.

Secnarf - The Debate and The Constitution

This is the second in my series of interviews with Secnarf the independent Rhino candidate from North Pelham. Secnarf's campaign promises include giving women two votes, taking the calories out of chocolate cake and moving the head office of Bell Canada to North Pelham.



Francie: What do you think about the fact that not all of the Party leaders will be allowed to take part in the televised debate?



Secnarf: I agree with the decision.

It is called a "Broadcast".

Elizabeth May and I are the only broads.

Therefore, although I sympathize with the other parties, the bottom line is that either you have a vagina or you don't.



Francie: You are saying that only you and Elizabeth May should be allowed to debate?



Secnarf: That's right.



Francie: Elizabeth May is the leader of a national party.

You are a candidate for a party that doesn't exist anymore.

You don't even have a riding.



Secnarf: Hogswaddle.



Francie: That's your riding?



Secnarf: That's my response to your nitpicking.



Francie: Fine. Then let's talk about your policies.

What are your thoughts on the idea that the constitution should identify one part of Canada as a 'Nation within a Nation'?



Secnarf: I believe that identifying Rural Canada as a 'nation within a nation' is the right move.

The culture and language of Rural Canadians from coast to coast to coast must be protected from the insidious encroachment of the evil city dwellers in Toronto and Montreal.

If elected I promise to see that the constitution is amended accordingly.



Francie: Which culture and language would that be?



Secnarf: Sorry you've had your five questions for today.



Francie: Hey that was only four!



Secnarf: And don't forget to take a lawn sign on your way out.

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Vote Secnarf

The only candidate who looks like a cabinet minister

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Related articles

• Elizabeth May takes her quest to join the leaders’ debates to court (theglobeandmail.com)
• Most Canadians want Elizabeth May at leaders' debate, poll shows (theglobeandmail.com)

The Big Stink

Secnarf - The Only Candidate Who Looks Like a Cabinet Minister






A while back, Secnarf the Independent Rhino candidate from North Pelham took over my face book wall during the controversy over the opening of the DSBN Academy in Niagara. I thought I would check in with her again because of the upcoming Federal election. This is a transcript of our interview.


Francie: Let's start with your political affiliation. You do know that the Rhinoceros Party of Canada is defunct?



Secnarf: It exists in the hearts of all true Canadians.



Francie: Those old enough to remember it I suppose.

Ayway, there is a rumour going around North Pelham that you bought a cigarette from Betty McGlashan for a looney so that you could look tough like Minister of International Cooperation, Bev Oda.



Secnarf: It is a lie. I offered her a looney but she gave it to me for free.



Francie: Okay. Let's talk about your policy.

You have said that if elected you will allow women to vote twice to make up for the years when they weren't allowed to vote at all and you have promised to take all of the calories out of chocolate cake.

Do you have anything else to add to your platform as we move into the next Federal election?



Secnarf: Yes, if I am elected I promise that I will move the head office of Bell Canada to North Pelham so that the CEO and other top Bell Canada executives can enjoy the same dial up Internet service that we rural Canadians enjoy now.



Francie: Why are you dressed like a pirate?



Secnarf: I'm not dressed like a pirate.



Francie: Not only are you dressed like a pirate, your t-shirt says, "Pirate Party of Canada."



Secnarf: (holds up a mirror) Jeesh. This happens whenever I talk about Bell Canada.



Francie: Well I have to run. Thanks for your time, Secnarf.

We'll be in touch throughout the election.

Any last words for today?



Secnarf: Yes. Can I have my pirate hat back?

Vote Secnarf

The only candidate who looks like a cabinet minister