Secnarf Crosses the Floor

This is the third in my series of interviews with Secnarf the independent Rhino candidate from North Pelham. Secnarf's campaign promises include giving women two votes, taking the calories out of chocolate cake, moving the head office of Bell Canada to North Pelham and identifying Rural Canada as 'a Nation within a Nation' in the constitution.




Francie: Well tomorrow is election day.

Do you feel that you ran a successful campaign, Secnarf?


Secnarf: I didn't get enough media coverage.

Not one journalist found out that I went skinny dipping in Vancouver in 1975!


Francie: Scandalous.


Secnarf: I agree, journalists aren't what they used to be.


Francie: I meant your behaviour.


Secnarf: Well I try, but Jack Layton is getting all the attention this week.


Francie: Are you suggesting that Jack Layton and the NDP Party leaked the massage parlour story to keep you out of the headlines?


Secnarf: There is no other possible explanation.


After all, which one of us would the Canadian people prefer to picture naked?



Francie: I am choosing to take that as a rhetorical question.


So Let's talk about your policies.

So far you have weighed in on women's rights, big business, agriculture and the constitution.

What about the climate and the environment?


Secnarf: I pirated the Green Vision.


Francie: You stole the Green Party's platform?


Secnarf: That's what pirates do when they like something.


Francie: Wait, you aren't saying ...


Secnarf: Yes I'm crossing the floor.


Francie: What floor?

You don't have a riding, never mind a seat in the House of Commons.


Secnarf: It's a figure of speech.

I'm joining the Pirate Party of Canada and I'm taking my many supporters with me.


Francie: Have you talked to all three of them about this?


Secnarf: Pirates don't ask, they tell.


Francie: Well this is a surprise.

Any last minute messages for the Canadian people on the eve of the election, Secnarf?


Secnarf: Aye.

Vote, ye scurvey dogs! Vote!

Or ye'll be feeling t' weight o' me sword across yer sorry backsides.

***

SECNARF

THE ONLY CANDIDATE WHO LOOKS LIKE A

CABINET MINISTER

and talks like a pirate.

The 3 Biggies

Image via Wikipedia

"Can I eat it? Can I have sex with it? Will it kill me?"

Our brains are constantly asking those three questions according to Susan Weinschenk, PhD, author of a blog called "100 Things You Should Know About People".

And she's right.

As a matter of fact a bizillion years ago those were the only questions the primitive reptilian part of our brains had to ask in order to survive and keep the species going.

But the 21st Century has made things a lot more complicated.

Every time your inner reptile answers yes to one of the above questions your post modern brain adds, 'but first consider this...'


Here's what I mean:


Inner Reptilian Brain: Can I Eat It?

Post Modern brain: Wait!   Does it have any trans fat? Low saturated fat? Any preservatives? Low sodium? Low cholesterol? Is it lean? How many calories? How many times did you go to the gym this week?


Inner Reptilian Brain: Can I have sex with it?

Post Modern Brain: Wait!  Is it married? Will it tell your husband, wife, partner? Is it HIV positive? Does it have AIDS, herpes or any other sexually transmitted diseases? Is it a psychopath? Is it a member of, or in any way connected to, the Taliban? Is it, or are you, likely to reproduce if you have sex with it?


Inner Reptilian Brain: Will It Kill Me?

Post Modern Brain: Wait!   Are you asking short term or long term? Is this a mugging? a fire? deep water? a fall? an explosion? an accident? Poison gas? Biological or nuclear warfare? Or is this cigarettes? alcohol? drugs? PCBs? carcinogens? pesticides? mercury, mad cow disease?


 Jeesh!

Well, today I'm here to give you the good news!

My friends, your Post Modern Brain will one day be replaced by your Retired Brain and the answers will be simple again.

The dialogue will go like this:


Inner Reptilian Brain: Can I Eat It?

Retired Brain: Is it chocolate?


 Inner Reptilian Brain: Can I have sex with it?

Retired Brain: A slice of Bavarian Triple Chiocolate Cake is orgasmic and less complicated.


Inner Reptilian Brain: Will It Kill Me?

Retired Brain: If it's chocolate, do you care?




Great news, eh?

And you don't even have to thank me for this information.


Just send chocolate!

***

I'm a Canadian And So Is My Hat

I was quite interested to read that the English, who are expecting an influx of Olympic tourists at some point in the future, are being trained to identify a Canadian standing in a crowd of Americans.

That's quite a feat.

I continued to be impressed right up until I read that their method of determining nationality is to scan our bodies for little Canadian flag pins.

Jeesh.

Canada, we've gotta ditch those things.

Identical twins who don't like being mistaken for each other don't wear minuscule pins that nobody can see, then complain that no one can tell them apart. They opt for a major difference in wardrobe.

If we want to be identified as Canadians then we need to look Canadian.

Personally, I'm rather partial to those red rubber maple leaf hats that you see on television during times of great national pride, like whenever we beat the American Olympic hockey team. They should be issued with our passports.

They can be made to fit over turbans, niqabs, police riot gear helmets and your grandmother's new perm. Sort of a one size fits all rubber toque. 

Some of you may remember the year the Heritage Minister, Sheila Copps, mailed a Canadian flag to everybody in the country.  There was a bit of a national melt down over the cost, but I'll bet somebody in the Liberal party still has the mailing list she compiled.  Rather than wait for people to apply for passports, maybe we should all be issued our red rubber maple leaf hats right now.

After all, you never know when the Americans will want to play hockey.

In the case of a national emergency you can also make your own hat. 
This one cost me $0.62.

*

Porn in North Pelham

The people who run Blogger, (the site where I post m y blog), have introduced a new 'statistics' tab.

I'm forever checking it because I can see where people are when they are reading my blog. (I mean the country they are in, not the room in the house). If someone reads my blog in a certain country, the bloggerfolk shade it green for me. The more people who read it, the darker green that country appears on a map of the world on my screen.

We aren't talking big numbers but I do have more hits coming to my site from the US than from Canada. I figured that most were likely ex pat Canadians. I pictured them drinking whiskey in seedy hotel rooms and weeping with homesickness as they read my poignant tales of life in the old sod. In my mind each one looked terribly handsome, sort of like a down-at-the-heel, young Burton Cummings.

Burton Cummings via last.fm

Occasionally I get one or two hits from the UK. Naturally the 'stats' tab came out after I dissed the Queen a few times. It hadn't occurred to me that Blogger was international.

I've also had hits to my blog from Germany, the Netherlands, France, Russia, Japan, even one from Latvia.

Last week I had one from Brazil and in my head young Burton Cummings morphed into Antonio Banderas for some inexplicable reason. (I do know Antonio Banderas is from Spain not Portugal.)

Anyway, I was feeling quite good about things until I noticed one of the referring sites to my blog was http://www.buypenisenlargements.us/  International shoppers at www.buypenisenlargements.us are being sent to MY blog by mistake?

And I thought all of those countries were shaded because I could work an adjective.

Jeesh.