Showing posts with label retired teachers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label retired teachers. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Old Age is Fatal

Medieval leper bell at the museum Ribes Viking...Image via Wikipedia



I was at the doctor's office this week for my annual check-up.



I didn't have any big problems, just a series of little things that I was wondering about.




Okay. Okay.

I was sure I had the symptoms of three different fatal diseases.



Anyway, the conversation went more or less like this:



"So Frances, what scary little changes have you noticed this year?"



"Well, Doctor, I've been getting cramps in the insteps of my feet occasionally ..."



"Very common," she said.



" And I have a weird ache in my back ..."



"Where?"



I pointed to my lower right side.



"Pulled muscle."



"I have an unusual patch of rough skin on my stomach."



She looked at it.

"That ? That's a ... (insert long incomprehensible medical term)."



"Leprosy!" I thought, lying there on the examining table picturing myself walking through the mall ringing a bell and shouting 'leper', while crowds of people backed away from me in horror.



She happened to glance at my terror stricken face.



"Also known as an Old Age Spot," she said with a wicked grin.



Jeesh.



I hate medical humour.







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Friday, November 19, 2010

The 3 Biggies

White chocolate is marketed by confectioners a...Image via Wikipedia



"Can I eat it? Can I have sex with it? Will it kill me?"

Our brains are constantly asking those three questions according to Susan Weinschenk, PhD, author of a blog called "100 Things You Should Know About People".

And she's right.

As a matter of fact a bizillion years ago those were the only questions the primitive reptilian part of our brains had to ask in order to survive and keep the species going.

But the 21st Century has made things a lot more complicated.

Every time your inner reptile answers yes to one of the above questions your post modern brain adds, 'but first consider this...'


Here's what I mean:


Inner Reptilian Brain: Can I Eat It?

Post Modern brain: Wait!   Does it have any trans fat? Low saturated fat? Any preservatives? Low sodium? Low cholesterol? Is it lean? How many calories? How many times did you go to the gym this week?


Inner Reptilian Brain: Can I have sex with it?

Post Modern Brain: Wait!  Is it married? Will it tell your husband, wife, partner? Is it HIV positive? Does it have AIDS, herpes or any other sexually transmitted diseases? Is it a psychopath? Is it a member of, or in any way connected to, the Taliban? Is it, or are you, likely to reproduce if you have sex with it?


Inner Reptilian Brain: Will It Kill Me?

Post Modern Brain: Wait!   Are you asking short term or long term? Is this a mugging? a fire? deep water? a fall? an explosion? an accident? Poison gas? Biological or nuclear warfare? Or is this cigarettes? alcohol? drugs? PCBs? carcinogens? pesticides? mercury, mad cow disease?


 Jeesh!

Well, today I'm here to give you the good news!

My friends, your Post Modern Brain will one day be replaced by your Retired Brain and the answers will be simple again.

The dialogue will go like this:


Inner Reptilian Brain: Can I Eat It?

Retired Brain: Is it chocolate?


 
Inner Reptilian Brain: Can I have sex with it?

Retired Brain: A slice of Bavarian Triple Chiocolate Cake is orgasmic and less complicated.


Inner Reptilian Brain: Will It Kill Me?

Retired Brain: If it's chocolate, do you care?




Great news, eh?

And you don't even have to thank me for this information.


Just send chocolate!



***




Sunday, March 28, 2010

It Isn't Easy Being Greenish


I'm now a member of the Federal Green Party AND the Provincial Green Party.

But I find it harder being green than being NDP orange. For me, social justice issues are much clearer than environmental issues. Oh I know social justice is part of the Green Platform, that's one of the reasons I joined, it just isn't the raison d'ĂȘtre, and isn't what people have had time to discuss at the meetings I've been to.

" Shift" might happen, but it doesn't happen easily for some of us.

The backlash against the global warming theory unnerved me shortly after I joined the Federal party last spring. There is a strong contingent of very vocal people out there that believes global warming is hogwash. Naturally, just because I had committed myself, every newspaper and magazine article, as well as radio and television show I happened upon, seemed to be promoting that view.

I searched for the truth. But the truth on environmental issues isn't always easily found. Research on Google was overwhelming. I couldn't just pop up to the Arctic and see for myself.

In the end I thought of Hamilton.

For me, the Burlington Skyway has always been the link between Niagara and the great outside world. I remember when there was just one bridge. Heck, I even remember when you had to pay to go over it. But mostly I remember those giant Stelco smokestacks. For decades they spewed a toxic smelling black smoke across Hamilton harbour. The sky and water were a sickly steel gray even on the sunniest of days. The paint peeled on the few houses that were strung along the beach and they looked grim and abandoned. The stench was nauseating. I pitied the few small people I would sometimes see scurrying below as my car safely sped over the span and away from the hellish scene.

I realize now that the environment had to have been affected by Stelco and I believe that global warming, or to use the new and I think more apt phrase, "global wierding" is a direct result of human activity.

So I was in a self-congratulatory mood as I headed to last week's Green Party meeting. "In like flint," I thought to myself with relief, "I've finally got it."

After signing in I made my way across the head table where the books, pamphlets, buttons etc. were spread out for the party faithful to fondle. I picked up a couple of things, more for show than anything else. The buzz in the room was loud and as I'm not one for mingling, I returned to my seat. Waiting for the meeting to start, I turned over one of the pamphlets.

My hair stood on end. I didn't know the Green Party was against nuclear power. I thought nuclear power was 'clean' energy - dangerous maybe, but environmentally friendly unless there was a melt down and millions of people and animals suffered endless agonies and then died lingering painful deaths. But there it was in black and white and green, "We can keep the lights on without nuclear." The pamphlet went on to note that Ontario's wind power potential is more than ten times greater than our total electricity consumption. There was even a cheery little picture of a wind farm.

It shouldn't have been a problem. I should have been able to 'shift' my thinking. Right? Not exactly because lately I've been concerned and puzzled by the reports coming out about windmill farms making people sick.

Sigh. It still isn't easy being Green.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Frogs and Snails and XM8 Lightweight Assault Rifles


On Face Book this week I had a message from a young man. Well actually there was no message, just a request to become his friend. At first I was puzzled. The accompanying photo showed four laughing young men who looked to be about nineteen or twenty standing in a line, arms draped over shoulders, on the pavement in downtown Toronto. Not one of them looked familiar.

I studied the name and out of the misty depths of my teaching memories, a face began to emerge. A thin blond grade six boy with an big, loveable grin. He and his younger brother had been homeschooled but for some reason the family had decided to send the boys to public school one year and I became the oldest boy's teacher.

He was enthusiastic and genuinely glad to be in school with other kids. I liked him a lot. There was only one issue that I remember worrying about and it had to do with something he told me about himself, his grandfather and guns. For the life of me though, after all of these years and so many kids that I worried about, I can't remember what it was. I just remember that an alarm bell rang quietly in my head.

Thinking this might be who was trying to contact me, I went to his home page photo gallery to see if there was a better picture of him. I was quite taken aback by what I saw. A number of photos were of young men in camouflage uniforms holding guns. They seemed to be involved in some kind of military exercise. There were photos of young women holding rifles too but these women weren't Canadian army women, unless halter tops, lots of skin and hip huggers are allowed on the shooting range. I had no idea what I was looking at. Boy Scouts gone bad? A scary gun club? Camp Borden after hours? An Aryan paramilitary group? I found the images alien and disturbing.

Little boys grow up and change but I didn't expect this one would grow up and move to such a hostile planet in some other universe.

I suppose the warning bell that went off in my head as he described the activity he had done with his grandfather was a hint of the direction his life would take.

Jeesh. I wonder what some of the kids I really worried about are doing now.